Are you fucking kidding me?!?!!!

APRIL 16, 2008
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!!!
3 Days after Morrow was released from Riker's Island Prison on bail, He was arrested again. Morrow was trying to make the last big score now he was in Jail for the long haul. My best friend was in Prison! This was for real. I tried to continue on my daily activities but a sense of dread surrounded me. I could feel that all the years of partying was about to envelop us all, It was time to pay the Devil his price. A day after Morrow's second arrest, I get a message to call "Naomi " my friend Sheryl's cousin.( Sheryl is my ex-roommate, surrogate mother and good friend) Naomi told me to get to the hospital " Sheryl had a stroke !" "A stroke? She's to young for a stroke, Could it be her escalating cocaine use? She was dating a part-time dealer and it was always at her disposal." Once again Marie picked me up in her car and now instead of driving to Riker's as we had done the day before, We were driving to the hospital to see our other friend Sheryl. Morrow and Sheryl were also once roommates, it seemed as if a virus was taking out each and every member of the circle or a better term would be cypher.



Sheryl was awake when we arrived at the hospital but she was not the same, Her entire right side was paralyzed and something had snapped in her mind. She was mean spirited and had none of the charm or sweetness that she was known for. Her gorgeous face was completely paralyzed on her right side and she could not control her drool. It was very painful to see this Strong, fierce woman lose control over her body. Her inner strength was still apparent, with fierce determination she swore to lick this and recover. A week later Sheryl slipped into a coma, she never recovered and passed away a the end of the month. Her death is to painful for me to reflect on at this point and also Sheryl deserves her own chapter so I will end her story for now.



So I thought "Morrow is in Prison for the foreseeable future, Sheryl is dead, The closet 2 members of my inner circle, my self made family, I had spent every day of the last 10 years with one of them, I have to keep it together. " I had always been good at keeping my emotions in check, I envisioned myself as a survivor, unstoppable. I rarely cried as a matter of fact, I refused to cry. I did break down at Cheryl's bedside, but I pulled it together, I knew if I completely let go I would stay down.

But life has a way of breaking you down. My Mother called a day after Sheryl's funeral "Kim passed away this morning", No! no more! not my cousin and childhood best friend! God wouldn't do this to me right now, I',m not strong enough. Kim had been fighting Lupus since were teenagers but she always made it through, This time her body had enough and gave away. I immediately thought of my little sister Shaun who also suffered many years with Lupus, I called her and we talked about our cousin Kim, Shaun said that she knew she would be okay because God had told her she would be fine. Shaun had become very religious in the past couple of years, especially when the disease become more intolerable. Shaun was once a proud lesbian but she now equated her disease with not living in God's light, She now had renounced her lesbian ways as the devil's work and the lupus as her punishment. A week after I spoke with Shaun her heart stopped and she passed away.



In over a month I lost four people, Three had passed on suddenly with no warning and one was in Prison, I was holding on by my fingernails. I went home to my family, I had to be strong for them, so I was. I mediated family battles, cooked dinner and tried to be there for my Step-mom. She was devastated and she still has not recovered. I returned to New York, put on my mask and pretended I was fine. But the in truth I was headed for a nervous breakdown, My drug use escalated. Whenever I wasn't at work I was high I was no longer buying 20's but 8 Balls of Coke. Anytime I started to think I got high. The most surprising part was that no one noticed I was a completely functioning addict. I could hold it together for work, run home and get high. . I sat in my apartment for 2 years getting high. I no longer returned phone calls and never saw my friends. Life continued on as more friends disappeared Felecia and Sean married and moved to Baltimore, Geoff and Rockie moved to Atlanta, Chris to LA, Starr and Spencer had a baby and moved to Texas, British became addicted to Heroin and disappeared, Margo, Jazz, Vivica, Judy, Damien, Marie #2, all the others gone.. The Party was over, I had given up any hope of acting, I didn't want to go out, I was done at 33, I had seen and done way too much. I became a recluse in my apt, getting high and waiting on my turn to die. I laughed, joked, but was dead inside, I couldn't wait to get home and get high.